Sorry seems to be the hardest word
by yami-marron
Summary: For N'Sou's contest - Silent night...Some KakaIru angst and fluff ;  At last,  Beta-ied


Yup, Marron got herself a wonderful Beta - HopeinAshes ,so this story is reposted. Not my best, but...It has sentimental value ;)

He was alone.

He was finally alone in his own room, looking at moon outside, and he was feeling broken.

Listening to the sounds coming from the street,he tried to calm himself down.

But he couldn't, judging from the fact that he was having hallucinations. Or he thought it was only an illusion or play of light that made him see HIM.

He blinked. Maybe Just maybe... But the figure wasn't there anymore.

So he really was hallucinating...

Why did it bother him so much? He did the right thing! He spoke in defense of young children that were prepared to kill each other! To fight with friends from the same class! He had to say something! But not only was he brushed off by the Hokage, no...

HE had to say these words... They're my soldiers now , with these cold eyes which said I know better, since I'm stronger .

Iruka curled his arms around his legs and started to cry... He remembered perfectly what happened next...

***  
>Why? he shouted,looking angrily at Kakashi, in that',in moment more angry than sad. Why have you said that! You humiliated me in front of all jounin of Konoha, in front of Hokage Why?<p>

Ma, Ma... There's nothing to be upset about... Kakashi raised his hand in gesture that said Let's just talk this over , but it was no use. When Iruka heard that this whole situation was for Kakashi nothing to worry about he froze and then he just turned to walk out.

Oi! Where do you think you're going? asked the silver-haired shinobi, catching the Chuunin's hand.

Somewhere where I can be alone! Or maybe just in some place where I can find someone who actually CARES about what I feel! Or maybe just away from you!". The teacher yelled, snatching his hand out of Kakashi's grip.

Wha...? That surprised the Great Copy- Nin. Iruka, what are you talking about?

About the fact that I was stupid getting involved with you! I should have known that if you had to choose you would pick your ambitions and ego, not me. You don't even know how it feels to confront you in front of people who you respect and be treated like some stupid, weak teacher by your own lover! Iruka stopped to catch his breath.

Iruka... I... What did you expect me to say? Honey, I don't think so? in front of all of them, when I... He didn't finish this sentence, because Iruka had bowed his head and started to shake. In that moment Jounin realized what he was about to say. Unfortunately, Iruka did too.

I get it. Goodnight. Was all the teacher said as he started to walk away.

Oh, come on, you know...

I don't want to listen to this! Now the chuunin was losing his temper.

But you're going to

No, I won' t! I hate you! After these words, Kakashi saw the stream of tears running down his lover's face. He didn t know that something could hurt like this. Iruka quickly walked outside the jounin's house and Kakashi just stood there and tried to get a hold of himself. He didn't know that he hurt Iruka so much... He had never seen him crying, he only heard from Naruto that Iruka cried only if he was deeply hurt.

And now he had caused it.

He felt like a monster. No wonder Iruka said that he hated him... He really did sound like he didn't care... But he did! He only... Didn't want anyone to know about it... That the Sharingan Kakashi has something he holds dear... And now it turns out that his beloved didn't know how much he cares... Is there even point of caring if you're not showing it to your love ?

Iruka knew for sure, that he had gone too far... He saw Kakashi's face when he was leaving his house. He had never seen Copy-nin so... Broken? Shaken? Hurt? He couldn't name this feeling, but it hurt to see his lover like this. But he was to proud to actually go there and just say I'm so sorry, Kakashi, that you don't think I have feelings?

No... But he still felt so guilty...

I'm sorry... He whispered to no one in particular.  
>Iruka-sensei... It was faint, like some melody on the wind, so it didn't reach the teacher curled up in the corner of his room.<p>

Kakashi was torn. It was his second attempt to go inside Iruka's house and to ask him for forgiveness, but... He wasn't sure if he wouldn't make that mistake again. What if he apologized, was forgiven and then did it again? It would mean the end... And he wasn't going to let that happen. He returned without a sound to Iruka's garden and started to walk away...

But doubts hadn't left him yet.

What if Iruka thought that he meant so little to Kakashi, that Copy-Nin hasn't even didn't even try to apologize and just moved on?  
>He didn't know what to do.<p>

Then he saw a pair walking his way. When they came closer he recognized Shikamaru and Ino, students of Asuma...

Oi! Kakashi-sensei! What are you doing here? asked blonde with a polite smile.

I could ask same thing, he responded, while he was debating whether he should disappear, or talk to them.

We're coming back from a mission. Our question? Shikamaru looked bored, but, if you looked closely, you could see that he was analyzing Kakashi's behavior.

To be honest - I don't know. I came to apologize, but... I'm not really sure if I'm ready for that, he figured, that it was no point in lying to them. Shikamaru would see through it and Ino wasn't dumb either. And she had that "woman intuition" or something.

You know, sensei... If you have to apologize to someone important, you should do it immediately. You don't have to promise that you won't repeat your mistake, the fact that you feel bad about it and care enough to swallow your pride and come for forgiveness is enough, as always young Nara noticed everything... Ino looked at Shikamaru,puzzled.

Shika is right... And you know? I bet that this person you're talking about is not only waiting for you to apologize, but wants to apologize too.

Kakashi looked at both of them and... Suddenly he made a decision. He waved them goodbye and returned to Iruka's house.

He entered by the very same window... But the room was empty. He went to living room - but found nothing except a picture of himself and Iruka,taken by Naruto, when he was fooling around with a camera... It was funny, they weren t a couple then... They were just friends But a few hours after that picture was made, they shared their first kiss. It was such a beautiful night... He brushed his thoughts off.

He was going to concentrate on the real Iruka, not the one from his memories. He entered the kitchen and at instant saw a mug of fresh tea, still hot judging from steam.  
>He looked around and observed teapot, still on gas.<p>

And the only sound he heard was dripping water.

Drop.

After drop.

Like beating of a heart.

And he felt it.

He spun on his feet and caught the kunai before it could slash him.

His attacker was Iruka! Who was surprised as well.

The chuunin took few steps back and looked at Kakashi, waiting for excuse. With sinking heart Kakashi noticed, that he didn t put out his weapon.

He held his hands in calming gesture.

Well... Sorry for intrusion... But I had to talk to you... He took off his mask. Iruka was always yelling at him that masks were not allowed in his house.

You see I have one thing to... And then he saw the kunai in front of his face. So it really was the end...

Get. Out, growled Iruka, looking at the jounin with fury, mixed with pain.

Kakashi said nothing and didn't move from the spot.

I told you! Get out before I hurt you! cried the chuunin with tears in his eyes.

I already hurt you. Serves me right... He answered quietly and took Iruka's hand in his. He made few steps toward his lover and let the kunai stay pressed to his throat.

Aim it right here, he said calmly, waiting for the pain.

Iruka was looking at him with wet eyes and fear on his beautiful face..It didn't seem so bad, to be killed like this. Iruka was truly beautiful with his hair down...Good last memory. If the teacher really hated him, then so be it. He deserved it, after all. But Iruka made no move.

You hate me. And I do care enough to think that my life isn't worth much without you in it. Because... Iruka began to cry. Could it mean? Finally, Iruka let the kunai slip out of his grip.

I love you, after all, tears were falling down.

The weapon hit the floor.

And for one moment, the world stopped... And then, sobbing, Iruka threw himself into the jounin's arms.

I'm sorry... I'm... so... soo..ryy He whispered while melting into Kakashi's embrace.

So am I... For not letting you know how I care And for being blinded by my own ego... the jounin answered, holding his lover tighter.

I shouldn't have said that...

I shouldn't have given you the reason to...

I should be home by now, so could you just kiss now? asked girlish voice coming from outside.

Both senseis looked at each other and then moved to the window. Outside the window stood a grinning Ino and tired Shikamaru.

Sorry She is just... so... troublesome... He muttered.

I had to make sure they made up! answered Ino and smiled at the senseis.

Ok...So how about this kiss?

Er... No problem Answered the silver-haired shinobi and Iruka looked at him, clearly with some doubt.

But you... About our relationship... Secret He was cut off by sweet kiss.

I do learn from my mistakes, answered the jounin and kissed his lover again. When the kiss ended, the kids were nowhere to be seen.

I guess I owe them a favor thought Kakashi, as he laid on the couch with Iruka sleeping in his arms. After they had talked this over, he was sure that this kind of silent night wouldn't be happening again. 


End file.
